Thursday, October 21, 2010

Hemingway of Rockwell?

   My deepest self is conflicted with a simple honest question Hemingway or Rockwell? Who or what shall I be as things go on? Hemingway attached life,  living a large and vivid life. The ugly American was just that... loud ,crass,  with a ability to share his limits,faults, and fears with others. How Earny challenged them and accepted nothing till/,well till the end. Then as a coward in the night he went far too far. He would  not accept life's terms or limitations at any point. Rockwell  is simpler times with family and friends. Moments simple moments of life captured and shared. Times remembered on bad nights to keep the present at bay till she passes to a better moment. Leaning towards both... I want to get out go and do things amazing vivid things... fun and fierce things. Yet I also wish to just be surrounded by good friends and family and make memories...
    So, I shall opt for both.  My mancave makeover started with a bed in the bag all I wanted was a cool space to call my own.. awesome bar and such. Think of the missing link with surround sound. Now,the truth of it. I want a gratitude list of a man-cave. Not written but displayed  moments with pictures, in the details. Bright happy colors and  .things of childhood simple times fun times . As Happy Gilmore found, I want a happy place. Jill once asked me to write a gratitude list. Simple request problem is those list are for people to stupid not to realize how selfish they are while stuck in a ugly  moment. So this shall be my compromise.
    I have come to accept my new normal, and by accept I mean fight it tooth and nail till there is no choice but to accept it. Once again doing the easiest thing last. To enjoy the good and the bad, to realize life aint all apple pie and ice cream.. to hope and pray that I can be the best me in the darkest most selfish moments to come. The last week has been full of disappointment and fucking reality. I hate reality she leaves no room for hope, compromise. or rationalization, some of my favorite coping skills.
    Bad beat one: Though I have been given the referral to the mayo clinic for a trial the VA decided not to write the check. This is what I have hung my hope on since I got out of the hospital. Again believing I was special and not only would be in the 22% that are helped or the 12% of those that get a little better but the most few who wind up cured. This crushed me sounded like a sad- sack movie trailer for days. Then I talked with my shrink, she always gets my ass back to center, even though my center has never been all that calm ... or any where near the center. But my dear Jill does help with the little, the big, and the ugly thoughts and feeling that run rapid through my mind. We will cover that later... shes has a mammoth heart and a soul void of judgment. Love that broad.
   Bad beat two: SSI disability sent me to a sleep clinic for a Pulmonary function test., This is nothing new done dozens of them. This is a painful test for me. I exhale hard do different types of breathing while sucking on a hose. Done them at some of the best hospitals in the sates they stick me in a glass box with NASA type hard ware  then they lock me in. I breath as  a sadists stands near by yelling harder, keep going, don't stop.My lungs are weak always wind up on the side of the glass dizzy and confused. Yesterday I learned two things one according to the sleep clinic I have shrunk a inch and lost five pounds... classic good with the bad.  So, we get to the test a most  condensed  version of the  equipment ever made. A simple waiting room chair, a small desk, big ass hose, and a angry teck( truth- that ones on me.) So, we get to the test, first breath, she yells harder, faster, keep going and I do... the dizziness starts, the tunnel vision and finally the cough. Reaching for the desk trying to stay upright in the chair. Its on wheels the desk fly's I wind up on the sucking of office floor. Humility and pain, two things that can be both vivid and memorable , just not this time. That has past ribs and head still hurt from the fall. That humbling ugly moment is gone  it only took 24 hours, progress not perfection.
    Good beat, shit happens today is today and who knows what tomorrow will bring?  Maybe a vivid fierce fun, honest , A Ugly American, an sarcastic Hemmingway of  an Rockwellian moment ... We can hope

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