Thursday, November 14, 2013

Santas Fast Frigate

     Right now I'm medicated and happy. Pains at a doable level. Life has moments that allow me to forget about reality. Time passes, fast or slow depending on what's what and who's in the room. It's coming that season... Christmas . Somalia 92, remember men ? Christmas Eve and no mail for months. Then  it came. No, not by slay but a fast frigate... For us... at a war... closer to a war... Christmas came.
      Sometimes, when I get bad between the ears I remember that night. The good and the bad. Good was no bake cookies and rum and tequila and vodka my marine father, hell of a dad hid in Evian water bottles. With pepperoni and sausage and cheese and crackers. Anthony Bullentini washed his hands till they were raw and sharpened his knife to near razor edge .
      The bad, one of my dearest and most trusted shipmates received a letter from his fiancĂ©e that started by stating, Dear (name with held to protect the innocent) By the time you get this letter I'll be married. Good and bad in a moment we had all given up on. We had no Christmas planned everything coming in was food and arms and shit needed for the humanitarian effort.
      But still he came...  the spirit of Christmas... the thing that makes all things possible.... Things like a better tomorrow, a future, a friend, and a life worth living. Sorry, this broken squid still believes and wants loves and needs  hope. She is  my best friend and my worst enemy. She cuddles close on cold nights and steals all the  pillows . Hope is a coy mistress that gives just enough for a tomorrow. Hope just hints at  enough for an ever after ... Morphine makes me ramble. Let me just tell you that this is everything... what ever it is~ it is everything and the best thing about everything is that it changes...for the  better, worse, average ,or not so much just changes are everything.
     Today, I was in line with short man his scares told the story of war. We shared a bit about this or that. Easy to be honest with a fellow vet. there is  a code that crosses hatred. Navy, Marine, Army, Air force... even bath tub boy scouts get love. For in those sacred walls of a VA hospital we are one man, one woman, every color , every sexuality, every religion or lack there of we are. So, we share deep, honest, and at times disturbing facts or feelings. Some simple sad thoughts even galvanized wishes or wants
      How he had been blown up in Afghanistan and me and my cancer. We lined up for coffee, our turns coming our conversation drift from this to that. Towards the end I say to him," Sorry you got blown up." His responses ,"Sorry you got cancer." Then a voice from behind us. "Boys  coffees are on me!" She paid... We thanked her and then she thanked us and then we went off in our different ways.... But still for that moment we where just us. Silly~  sailor and soldier . Enjoying some coffee chat who had long ago been far from home. Seen some things  done some things. It was us and we  not alone in a coffee line... at a VA hospital this close the season... Christmas is coming and we better watch out the man next to you may just need an ear or shoulder and maybe a free cup of JOE...

Monday, October 7, 2013

perfect chaos

    I've been thinking about writing that, "Last Best Blog"  but being half Sicilian it's quite a chore to be cavalier when death is on the line. Don't worry I thrive on gallows humor. Something magical about getting someone to laugh at my illness the looks on their face when they realize they are laughing at a truth. Then when they try to stop but the more they~ try the harder it is. That so gets me off... thats how I'd like to write it...  sarcasm a bit of whining mixed with laughter, coy and charming... maybe even a bit poetic even whimsical.  Let it be a bit of devil may care, don't cry for me Argentina, I had one hell of a hay ride. Been places hell I've even done some things.
    I think about it a lot lately... The end. No, not going any time too soon I got shit to do Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, my birthday. Not to mention a debutante ~ a muse with the classical combination of daddy issues and  a Florence Nightingale thing. Just shit is getting more every day lately. My Autonomic nervous system fails, heart  stops, brain stops, lungs stop, all the things the body does on cruise control STOPS. Happened four times this week. They  all happened  with medical staff on hand. The last one my doctor was listening to my breathing... got his stethoscope to my back when my heart stops. As he asks me how I'm doing... how I feel ,… crash, boom, baha~ cracker down.  So, more tests next week... they cant stop this cancer but maybe they can keep me from falling down... It's getting old and it hurts. Leaves my muscles sore, balance off, sleep deprived and my damn brain wont ...doesn't work right.
      Ever hear of a gratitude list? It's this tool to get a person to realize how petty and selfish and self serving they are... It's a way to get past the crap moment. To see the amazing beauty of life that is in every moment... even in the eye of a shit storm. See, they will pass, if you let them. They will be gone, they will be over, and they will make room for hope, for a chance , for a bit of peace and some quite between the ears. I remember things in a wicked honest way the good and the bad. My life has been an adventure of teachable moments and finally I have learned from a few of them.  Either the universe is perfect or we are  screwed... I vote perfect... perfect chaos.

Saturday, September 14, 2013

sushi sounds nice

     Ever have your heart stop? Ever have a seizure that knocks your dick into the dirt  throwing everything into chaos? Cough blood and go just a bit blind? No? I call that Tuesday.
     Guess it was a good thing I had company... I guess...  he  caught me for the second seizure   could have been hurt worse but that rat bastard woke up my momma and she made me go to the ER.  About half way there all I wanted to do was talk to my poppa, my brother, my friends, and my sainted Godfather. For a brief moment I thought this is it... get ready for the tunnel and  go into the light… Get the fuck out'a dodge and go home. It passed , fast! But to be honest  I was good with it.... Just wanted a bit of closure . Now, that it's mostly past I feel a bit dramatic and silly but then in that moment it was all I wanted. Nurses where awesome and doctors nice but truth is theres not a lot they can do. Give some plasma and a IV. Something special for the pain maybe laugh at my jokes and put up with my crap. Thats more then enough but still  I wasted their time and a bed. There isn't a damn thing they can do... I know this~ trust me, they've tried. This is a  rare disease that is affecting everything. I'm still not right... head still pounds my wit and sarcasm sound like desperate anger. There is good reason mind you but still... hate being a bitch.
   So, there I am stuck in these God awful red PJ's with bright yellow non slip socks hooked up to a plethora of machines and all I'm thinking is God I want to go home get some sleep. Wondering if my 20 something nurse wants to grab a bite. Right, a little while ago I'm thinking it's the big one and now I'm all about  putting on my get some clothes for steaks and scotch. Massive improvement from the stripper glitter and scotch that occasionally crosses my mind. Maybe some sushi she'd like sushi .
    Been a few days now issues and pain and all that shit that goes with these episodes is lessening.  Not  quite  over it all.  I have little tricks... things that make me smile and get over shit. Last night it was," Fast Times at Ridgemont High." If Phoebe Cates can't get me on track there was Jennifer Jason Leigh.  This helps. Brings me back to a simpler time when my problems where acne, low self esteem, and acne. The glory days of homework and  getting beers for Friday nights lights. I did get to talk to my people, tell them I love them . I get to do that every day. Somedays I don't ,somedays I just want to sit in my pity and bitch about what tomorrow won't bring... the adventures I can't have. But then there are times after shit hits the fan... when a movie and a phone call are epic adventures. Today, Johny Football may shock a nation~ for the second time. Tomorrow, who knows, maybe something big ,maybe not, maybe just some sushi... that would be nice.