Monday, October 7, 2013

perfect chaos

    I've been thinking about writing that, "Last Best Blog"  but being half Sicilian it's quite a chore to be cavalier when death is on the line. Don't worry I thrive on gallows humor. Something magical about getting someone to laugh at my illness the looks on their face when they realize they are laughing at a truth. Then when they try to stop but the more they~ try the harder it is. That so gets me off... thats how I'd like to write it...  sarcasm a bit of whining mixed with laughter, coy and charming... maybe even a bit poetic even whimsical.  Let it be a bit of devil may care, don't cry for me Argentina, I had one hell of a hay ride. Been places hell I've even done some things.
    I think about it a lot lately... The end. No, not going any time too soon I got shit to do Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, my birthday. Not to mention a debutante ~ a muse with the classical combination of daddy issues and  a Florence Nightingale thing. Just shit is getting more every day lately. My Autonomic nervous system fails, heart  stops, brain stops, lungs stop, all the things the body does on cruise control STOPS. Happened four times this week. They  all happened  with medical staff on hand. The last one my doctor was listening to my breathing... got his stethoscope to my back when my heart stops. As he asks me how I'm doing... how I feel ,… crash, boom, baha~ cracker down.  So, more tests next week... they cant stop this cancer but maybe they can keep me from falling down... It's getting old and it hurts. Leaves my muscles sore, balance off, sleep deprived and my damn brain wont ...doesn't work right.
      Ever hear of a gratitude list? It's this tool to get a person to realize how petty and selfish and self serving they are... It's a way to get past the crap moment. To see the amazing beauty of life that is in every moment... even in the eye of a shit storm. See, they will pass, if you let them. They will be gone, they will be over, and they will make room for hope, for a chance , for a bit of peace and some quite between the ears. I remember things in a wicked honest way the good and the bad. My life has been an adventure of teachable moments and finally I have learned from a few of them.  Either the universe is perfect or we are  screwed... I vote perfect... perfect chaos.