denial based utopia

    Some times are just bad, line up enough of them and ones gets tunnel vision... never going to change selfish thoughts, silly thoughts , destructive thoughts bore  into the mind  invade dreams and leave much to be desired. This has been one of those days. Yesterday had another PFT test, couldn't finish this one though I did manage to stay upright thanks to a very kind and attentive technician. Thought of my disability case workers words run rampant, if you don't finish, if you don't go, if you don't, if you don't, if you don't -don't -don't.... no money. Money simple enough thing make it, spend it, save it, waste it , money. Now, it's an abstract thought .Been long time since I've made any . I've been living on the charity of family who gives more then they should- without grudge, judgment, or want ... they just do. Problem is that my ego, though crushed by this disease is still able to show it's ugly head and remind me of how far I have fallen.
    Other simple things take the ego and the fear and the facts of my condition and put them into a denial based utopia.It is what it is, and cracker it could be worse. Things may not change  however the way I respond, react, and reveal my actions and my truths can be better. I have learned to pause  the negative and by pause I mean hide, sleep,  think, and even pray for guidance and strength.
    A visit, a card, an e-mail, or a phone call- a friend sharing the dull-drums, heart breaks, parking tickets and general crap that everyday everyone can experience makes things fun... laughs and chats. I do so love them.  Facebook and now blogging any way to stay in contact. To get away from my brain who at times not my friend  thinking things that though based in reality serve no purpose . Yet my brain  finds beauty and bliss in crap on occasion... more then on occasion.   Go figure my mind sending mixed messages, who knew? Must be karma for a thing or a thousand .