Crazy-Stupid-Deuce

  Waiting its what I do now. What for this or that? For a good feeling or maybe a bad one to pass. Waiting for meds to kick in our calm down. For calls from docs, nurses ,or hospitals. I wait for test results and trials. I wait for cures and treatment I wait for social security disability , veterans benefits, or friends with benefits. Hell one in three would be a start!
    I wait to live. Not just live but, LIVE! Carpe Diem type shit.  To make memories and laugh and smile and walk the walk and talk the talk. I need a cane to get around figuratively and literally- shit you not and inhalers, nebulizers, and a grip of meds to breath. I have seizures, rashes, bad lungs, dieing eyes, neurological events that leave me a stuttering fool ,and an ASSorment of other issues. Sadly ,sometimes I wait to die. Fucked up thing , I don't want to die....  I have shit to do, people to offend , words to write. I love life I even love the little stupid things I  delusionally turn into Jesus and God and rainbows from fairy ass's to get past a fucked moment and into the next good thing.
    Last week was one for the book. Something new is going on.  In a new and embarrassing place,  my ass. It started with well how do most ass problems start when  none  are kicking it or chewing it- must be a shit gone wrong and wrong being a drastic understatement.. Long story short I was beaten by a crap... not constipation not diarrhea  beaten by the pain. A mans will to live broken on a shitter. A man who begged, pleaded, cried, and prayed for help .  "Jesus, take me now!" I managed to verbalize. I wanted to die, truth it would of been a great time for an aneurysm! I would of rather died then finished that shit.
   Today, I must thank God for unanswered prayers... At that time- in the moment death seemed like a perfectly sane request !?! Jesus, I have never asked to be healed... don't use prayer as health care, housing, employment, parking spaces, or sporting events. Occasionally, I give a shout out to get some pink- a little love,  a good cuddle, and maybe some well aged single malt scotch. Other then that I keep it simple!!!!! Come on Jesus, you couldn't just step in when it came to anal bleeding ... bleeding?  It's not like changing water into wine or raising Lazarus from the dead. Couldn't you of stopped it before they're talking about a video camera in my butt ...  my butt! I'm about to be ass raped by a man wearing a mask and latex gloves but you wouldn't- couldn't just make it go bye-bye? I know you died for my sins and yes that is more then enough but damn that was a crazy stupid deuce... Till next time  and next time will be full of happy holiday spirit and yule tide, Promise  LG

Papillon, throw coconuts till we have a plan

     Been a while nothing I wanted to write. Not that I had nothing to share. Just wanted to stuff it deep ,deep down inside where only booze and pepto would help. Here is the whats and wheres. I miss denial and anger, they have always been amazing  coping skills.   I hated the barging  but this damn acceptance just feels like surrender.  Did Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid cower , Cool Hand Luke accept, or Papillon surrender? No,they stood up, they fought, they jumped, and they lost. Yes they are fictionalbut  I 'm a bit delusional .
     I just turned 42. This was  the cats meow maybe even the bee's knees . Whey gave me 90 days and dropped the terminal card a couple of years ago I  wanted 42. The answers to all the universes questions are 42 according to Hitchhikers Guide to the Universe. This was a amazing thing,  a goal . I wanted the answers. Actually, I wanted  smart ass things to say for deflection and a fight.  I have it " it" being 42, not answers mind you.
    What  could be next? A new goal, a new 42, maybe a new fight? I have started the process to be accepted for  a phase one trial. Phase one treatments take a new chemo from spider monkeys to me and those lucky few like me. This disease normally affect children... little  kids. Phase 1 testing on adults check for cellular destruction, mortality, risks, rewards, and find out if the damn thing works on sarcastic  primates, me. If it does work   I'll be healthy and jumping to accomplish all the things I promised Jesus during the bargaining phase. This will go on till gratitude is replaced by me. My selfish self seeking self . Maybe a week, month, year,  maybe just maybe this will change my life forever. Granting a long. long life fore I have things to do and dreams, dreams to remember.
     If it fails? Then like Butch Cassidy and The Sundance Kid. leap from  the cliff .  Cool Hand Luke just grin and run for it, or pull a Papillon and throw coconuts till there is a plan. Nothing sure fire. Just a plan, a hope, a wish,and a fight to fight. It's good to go out  on a wing and a prayer....