Monday, March 7, 2011

Papillon, throw coconuts till we have a plan

     Been a while nothing I wanted to write. Not that I had nothing to share. Just wanted to stuff it deep ,deep down inside where only booze and pepto would help. Here is the whats and wheres. I miss denial and anger, they have always been amazing  coping skills.   I hated the barging  but this damn acceptance just feels like surrender.  Did Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid cower , Cool Hand Luke accept, or Papillon surrender? No,they stood up, they fought, they jumped, and they lost. Yes they are fictionalbut  I 'm a bit delusional .
     I just turned 42. This was  the cats meow maybe even the bee's knees . Whey gave me 90 days and dropped the terminal card a couple of years ago I  wanted 42. The answers to all the universes questions are 42 according to Hitchhikers Guide to the Universe. This was a amazing thing,  a goal . I wanted the answers. Actually, I wanted  smart ass things to say for deflection and a fight.  I have it " it" being 42, not answers mind you.
    What  could be next? A new goal, a new 42, maybe a new fight? I have started the process to be accepted for  a phase one trial. Phase one treatments take a new chemo from spider monkeys to me and those lucky few like me. This disease normally affect children... little  kids. Phase 1 testing on adults check for cellular destruction, mortality, risks, rewards, and find out if the damn thing works on sarcastic  primates, me. If it does work   I'll be healthy and jumping to accomplish all the things I promised Jesus during the bargaining phase. This will go on till gratitude is replaced by me. My selfish self seeking self . Maybe a week, month, year,  maybe just maybe this will change my life forever. Granting a long. long life fore I have things to do and dreams, dreams to remember.
     If it fails? Then like Butch Cassidy and The Sundance Kid. leap from  the cliff .  Cool Hand Luke just grin and run for it, or pull a Papillon and throw coconuts till there is a plan. Nothing sure fire. Just a plan, a hope, a wish,and a fight to fight. It's good to go out  on a wing and a prayer....



  1. I got yer coconuts right here.

  2. I rarely read speeches, but this made me shiver. This was a beautiful, thoughtful and a very emotional speech. I am sorry you have to go through with this, person i do not know. You seem like an individual that has ones head screwed on right.

    I hope your final days will be filled with joy.

  3. I had no idea! Your strength and humor is also inspirational! You have been so strong! I read your entire blog yesterday and will continue to follow you. I'm sending many prayers your way! You are wonderful and have made it so far you can keep going that I have no doubt!!! Lots of love!